I finally sat down to write out my fertility journey. I have gone back and forth on whether I wanted to share it or not, mainly because I don’t have a great way with my written word like so many others that share things, but I figured I would give it a shot. Infertility of any kind can be a very lonely place (even though there are so many that struggle with it) and I know that it always helped me to hear other’s journeys.
When we first started trying with Harper, it took about 7 months or so to finally conceive. That felt like a long time back then but knowing the big picture now, that was not so bad. We are very thankful to have a healthy sweet and awesome girly! It had always been our plan, however, to have two children and to have them close together. Obviously, God had other plans for us.
After having Harper and waiting the recommended months, we started trying again. Month after month after month went by and at first it didn’t hurt as much but after the first year the emotions started setting in. Each month and each negative test hit like a ton of bricks. There were tears and emotions most months.
Around year three, after having Harper, I got a very faint positive test and hope was reignited, however, it was very short term. I tested early and had I not tested I would have thought my cycle was right on time and would have never known any different. Even losing a baby that early was extremely emotional and it hit us hard. Another year or so passed with more disappointment month after month.
It was time to get us both checked to make sure all was running normal as far as our fertility. It took us longer to get to this point because 1. We already had a sweet baby girl 2. I don’t do Dr visits easily with my anxiety and just so wanted things to happen on their own if they were meant to be. But the pain of not being able to get pregnant again was weighing super heavy and so we finally got checked. In the end the results were that all seemed normal with us both. As great as that news was, it just left us with even more questions. God has a plan for us and wants good for us so leaning into that truth was the biggest thing that got us through.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Around year 4-5, the idea of having just one child really settled in and the pain of negative pregnancy tests started not to feel as heavy and painful. We were so blessed to even have one healthy child and have always felt extremely thankful for her. I will also add that not being able to have a second baby was a slightly lonely place to be because we already had a baby and being sad about not having another felt like such a selfish and crazy thing to mourn knowing that so many couples have struggled so hard for even one. My heart goes out so much to those who struggle with any kind of infertility. It is such a hard place to be. However, with the help of my wonderful friends and family, they helped reassure me that it was more than ok to be sad about this and helped me cope in a healthy way with it all.
As we started to embrace our sweet family of 3, we finally started to give away the baby things that we had held onto for years and years. It was such a bittersweet thing to be doing but at the same time it was a breath of fresh air to finally feel at peace with the way things were going.
So many people say: 'Once you stop trying, that’s when things will happen for you." I heard it so many times and it is so much easier said than done, but in our instance, they would be correct! A few months after we started giving away our baby things and not trying so hard, we got pregnant again. This was in November of 2019. We were in shock but elated! This was something that we thought would never happen for us again and here we were again, out of the blue! Unfortunately, around week 6 of the pregnancy I started spotting and ended up losing the baby right at week 7. We were heartbroken. My faith in knowing that God still had a plan for us and having such wonderful family and friends that surrounded us in their love and support, were what pulled us through that even harder hit. Once the initial pain from that loss subsided the desire for another baby came back pretty strong. I read many things that after a miscarriage many go on to have healthy pregnancies and that it can happen fairly quickly after going through a loss. This gave me hope for about three months or so after but eventually I settled back into the peace and joy that my family of three brought and let go of the idea yet again and was more than ok with it.
On April 7th, my husband’s birthday, we found out that I was pregnant yet again! Happy Birthday, babe! This was the first positive test that I just knew so strongly, before I had even taken the test, that I was pregnant. <3
My first words to Tyler about it all were, “Here we go again.” We were of course super excited and in shock but after going through the loss we had just gone through, months before, we were a little more hesitant to get our hopes up this time. Of course, all this excitement was going on while we were all in the beginning stages of coping with a worldwide pandemic so that also made this interesting. I had to figure out work things, schooling for Harper and try and keep myself healthy while I started to feel downright miserable with constant nausea and exhaustion. As hard as those symptoms were, I knew they were a sign of a healthy pregnancy, so I was thankful to be feeling them.
Here we are now, at 25 weeks, with a healthy and growing baby boy and I am beyond amazed and thankful for how God has led us and will continue to lead us. He has put the most amazing people in my life, through family and friends, and they have helped us so much through all the ups and downs of this journey of ours. I love you all so much.
Anyways, there you have it! I hope that in sharing this it will give even just a little hope and encouragement to someone out there. If you are struggling in any way with infertility just know you are not alone and that everyone has a journey. Every journey may look different, but the ups and downs are all real and I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.
Comments
Post a Comment